Jokes

The 70-year old drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. He floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing across his bald head. Then he pushed it to 100mph.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper; lights flashing. He pulled over. The trooper walked up to the door, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. Give me a good reason for your speeding and I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Can you tell me why a $10 bill looks so small at the grocery store but so big at church?

The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed. "I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?" The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right." The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven." The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"

I can't take my dog down to the the park any more. The ducks attack him.

Guess that's what I get for getting a pure-bread.

Dear Heavenly Father,
So far, today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped or lost my temper. I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, or self centered. I'm really happy about that so far.

But in a few minutes I'm going to be getting out of bed and then I'm going to need a lot of help. Thank you! Amen

The pastor got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money for the new roof.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

A burglar broke into a home and was looking around. He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you". Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search. Again the voice said "Jesus is watching you". He turned his flashlight around and saw a parrot in a cage. He asked the parrot if he was the one talking and the parrot said, "yes." He asked the parrot what his name was and the parrot said, "Moses." The burglar asked, "what kind of people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said, "the same kind of people who would name their German Shepherd Jesus".

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. They were at a community picnic one day and the priest was eating a ham sandwich.
"You know," he said to his friend, "this ham sandwich is simply delicious. I know you're not supposed to eat ham, but I don't understand why something as good as this would be forbidden to you. Why don't you break down and try one?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Sure, at your wedding."

Little boys prayer
"Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and my cat and me.

Oh, and please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

A collector of rare books ran into an old friend who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it."Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"Do you know what you have done? You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anywhere close to that," replied his friend. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

An elderly man lay dying in his bed, Suddenly death's agony was pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself up from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
There, spread out on the kitchen table were literally HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies!
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made the pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil?
He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used to smack his hand.
"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Do you know what an agnostic dyslexic insomniac does?
He stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog!

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. In fact, he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. In a vision, God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. The man had already filled his largest suitcase with pure gold bars.
Soon afterward he dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, Ahh I heard about your deal; You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?"

A Jewish lawyer, troubled by the way his son had turned out, went to see his rabbi,
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"

"Funny you should come to me," said the rabbi. "Like you, I too brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, cost me a fortune, then one day he too comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian."

"What did you do?" asked the lawyer.
"I turned to God for the answer", replied the rabbi.
"And what did he say?" pressed the lawyer.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me... ...' "